Do you like books? Do you like-like them? Do you even have feelings for that pimply, moony-eyed wallflower, poetry? Do you have secret urges to rub first-edition, autographed copies of Mrs. Dalloway all over your naked body? This summer, embrace your inner book nerd at some of the many literary events, book clubs, writer’s workshops and open mics happening around Houston:

AUTHOR READINGS

Looking for a free date? Want to impress the other people in your writer’s workshop? Or maybe you get a kick out of sitting still for an hour in a metal folding chair next to some PhD with a cough who’s glaring at your skinny jeans like they’re caked in the bodily fluids of proletariats (which they are). But maybe, just maybe, you think authors are akin to rock stars and get all giddy at the prospect of hearing them read in an intimate setting and asking them questions about their “process.” Keep in mind, these are all free events:

• Nadine Eckhardt -- St. Stephens Episcopal Church, 1805 W. Alabama; June 16, 5:30 p.m.

I love listening to spunky, old Texan ladies with acidic senses of humor. I wish I could hire one to come over to my apartment and tell me what to do with my life. Nadine Eckhardt, author of the memoir Duchess of Palms, seems like the coolest of cool, old Texan ladies. Here’s what Brazos Bookstore says about her: “Child of the Great Depression, teenage 'Duchess of Palms' beauty queen, wife of an acclaimed novelist and later of a brilliant U.S. congressman, and ultimately a successful single working woman and mother, Nadine Eckhardt has lived a fascinating life. In this unique, funny, and honest memoir, she recounts her journey from being a 'fifties girl' who lived through the men in her life to becoming a woman in her own right, working toward her own goals.”

• Andre Dubus III -- Brazos Bookstore; June 18, 7 p.m.

The critically acclaimed realist author of The House of Sand and Fog will host a book signing and discussion of his newest book, The Garden of Last Days. In this latest novel, Dubus once again spins a triangular web, following three deeply flawed characters — a small town, down-on-his-luck local, a single mom stripper, and a 9/11 terrorist. Their paths intersect, slowly and in painstaking detail, resulting in delectable, claw-your-eyes-out tragedy.

• Ali Sethi -- Brazos Bookstore; June 23, 7 p.m.

Ali Sethi’s first novel, The Wish Maker, is “a tale of sacrifice, betrayal, and indestructible friendship” set in modern Pakistan. Sounds great, but it was only just released, so I can’t pretend I’ve read it. Based on his contributions to The New Yorker and The Nation, however, I have high hopes for this young writer. His prose is intelligent, jaunty, and structurally interesting. Just check out this sentence I chose at random from an article about Libya in The Nation, “Sanctions were relaxed, though fears were not; Qaddafi is still alive, hatted darkly, his tinted aviators watching from propaganda billboards across the country.” Oh, the drama, the word “hatted,” the semi-colon! I’ve already reserved my copy of The Wish Maker at Brazos.

• Ken Jones -- Inprint House; July 10, 8:30 p.m.

Inprint celebrates the 34th anniversary (ok, that’s random) of the First Friday series with local poet, Ken Jones. He’ll be reading from his most recent book, Ceaseless Greasepaint in Combat Stance. Here’s how Larry D. Thomas, 2008’s Texas Poet Laureate, describes Greasepaint (if the book’s as hilarious as this review, I’m in): "As I read the powerful poems of Ceaseless Greasepaint in Combat Stance, I feel and hear the fiery, verbal blasts of a host of two-headed, imaginary dragons: Eminem and Wallace Stevens; Allen Ginsberg and William Blake; Walt Whitman and Lorenzo Thomas. Where can one find poems about drunk tanks, American Indians, teeth bleeding red at the bit, angst, the worship of dung, sex, materialistic greed run amok, spiritual yearning, and Santa Claus causing a disturbance in the mall? All within the covers of a single book? In Ceaseless Greasepaint in Combat Stance, thats where. In poem after carefully crafted poem.” OMG, those last two sentences are golden.

• Poisoned Pen series

Poetry is always better with a good whiskey on the rocks in your hand. The last Thursday of every month, Poison Girl presents the Poisoned Pen reading series. Poetry, fiction, non-fiction, and drama readings (usually poetry) by national, international, and local authors (usually local). Be sure to check out Austin poet Scott Blackwood with Houstonian Brian Nicolett 8:30 p.m. July 31.

• Murder By the Book series

Like Mysteries? I don’t. But if you do, Murder by the Book has a TON of probably famous mystery writers giving book signings/readings this summer. Check out the calendar here.

APOLLOCON 2009

Houston’s sci-fi, fantasy, and horror conference is June 26-28 at the DoubleTree Hotel. If the thought of riding a dragon, going into space, or getting your guts slowly ripped apart by a weremonkey makes you feel all gooey inside, then you probably need to bite the nerd bullet, self-actualize, and admit that you’re dying to go to ApolloCon. Schmooze with your favorite sci-fi authors, dress up like a Cylon, bring your foamy sword and try a little LARPing on for size. The event includes an art show, science fiction and fantasy gaming, live action role-playing games, a writers workshop, concerts, and a competitive masquerade. Get all the info at apollocon.org

BOOK CLUBS

Book clubs are a great place to meet people who, well, read books. And that’s got to count for something. So get your nose out of that book, take your social anxiety medication, and find a book club that’s right for you!

• Tough Broads Out at Night book club at Blue Willow Bookshop meets every fourth Tuesday at 7 p.m..
Next Meeting: Tuesday, June 23rd.
Currently reading: The Well and the Mine by Gin Philips.

• The H-Town Women’s Book Club

• Murder By the Book Club
Next Meeting: Wednesday, June 24, 7 p.m.
This club discusses two related mysteries each month.
June’s topic: Gay mysteries.
Currently Reading: Simple Justice by John Morgan Wilson and Light Before Day by Christopher Rice.

• Central Market Book Club
Schedule: Second Monday of each month, 7-9 p.m.
Next Meeting: July 13, 2009
Currently Reading: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey

• Montrose Great Books
First Thursdays of the month, 6 p.m.
Next Meeting: July 2, 2009
Currently Reading: Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury

• The Houston Public Library system hosts a ton of book clubs. Follow the link to find one at your nearest location.

Didn’t find what you were looking for? Maybe your perfect book club doesn’t exist just because you haven’t created it yet! Ever think of that? Huh?

Here’s how you make a great book club: invite your friends to join your club, remind them daily to actually read the damn book (use force/coercion at your discretion), buy lots of booze, and make everyone else bring food to your meeting. You can also invite strangers to your club by posting it on meetup.com.

WRITING WORKSHOPS

Every life is worth a novel. Except yours. (J/K!!! Follow your bliss and write something!)

• "Writing Your Untold Stories" at Jung Center of Houston
Saturday June 27, 10 a.m.-4 p.m.
$90 ($80 Jung Center members)
“Unearth a portion of the lost stories that have shaped who you are. In this workshop, we will lead you through a series of writing exercises, each different, to enable you to discover, explore and begin to articulate some of the themes that thread through your life and may lay buried under the minutia in today's busy world.”

• "Shaping a Story
Spectrum Center
$90
“Together we will explore how to weave together some of the fundamental elements of a great story, including character, conflict, setting, plot, crisis, climax, theme, tense and point of view.”

OPEN MICS

So you wrote something. It’s rotting on your hard drive and will probably never see the light of day, right? Wrong! Get thee to an open mic! The stage, the lights, the filthy, swine-flu infested microphone. It’s the closest we bookworms will ever get to feeling like a rock star.

• Mausoleum Poetry Society
Wednesdays at Notsuoh
“Come out and enjoy some poetry at one of Houston's longest running poetry nights. Sign-up begins at 8:00 p.m. and the open mic starts 9 p.m. Featured poet performs at 8:30.”

• First Fridays open mic
Inprint House
First Friday of the month, 8:30 p.m.
There’s an open mic following the featured author’s reading.

• Sunday open mic at Bohemeo’s
From the site: “Each poet reads or performs 1-5 pieces. It's a very low key and relaxed, fun atmosphere.”

Collect them all: Go a reading! Start a book club! Attend a workshop! Perform at an open mic! If you do, then on Shakespeare’s next birthday, the literature fairy will leave a gift certificate to Half Price Books under your pillow. No fooling! Plus, I think that somehow, very subtly, by attending these kinds of events you’ll be making Houston a better place to live.