Being a beer critic isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There was a time I’d be happy to let a gulp of Lucky Lager pass my lips without a derogatory thought. Now I’ve got this incessant voice that nags “Hey, pardon me for interrupting, but you just swigged a fetid mouthful of yak ballsweat.”. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the flipside is that I've earned a reputation as a "beer snob". Whenever I crack open a cold one I get expectant stares like I'm going to smell the bottlecap and sip with my pinky extended.

Worst of all, the whole enterprise of criticism turns the simple pleasure of downing a brew or four into academic wankery. While others are using beer for it's intended purposes (inebriation, justification for fist fights), I'm huddled over a notepad jotting down heady insights like "tastes vaguely 'beery'". One could argue pursuing my artform with such immeasurable integrity is laudable, but one look at the legibility of my drunken notes shows I'm barely conscious.

You good people deserve to know just how much of a drunken sod is up here at the helm. That's why I'm including scans of my actual notes, so you can watch the dissolve of notes for a beer dissertation into semi-retarded hieroglyphics.

Unibroue Trois Pistoles
This is going to be another glowing review of another brilliant Belgian dark ale. I can already feel the eyes of my repeat customers rolling, but hear me out. This beer is different. You need only look at the label to realize that of all Belgians you could be drinking, this is the only one that has the smooth flavor of Pegasus in every taste. Sure, lots of Texas beers have horse in them, but I think we all know it's just not the same.

It has a thin tan head that quickly disappears over the dark, burgundy/brown beer. It's not super aromatic to me, but it is kind of earthy and sweet. On the first sip I immediately get chocolate malt balls, cherries, a vague spiciness, and hoof. The alcohol is well masked by the dark fruit flavors, but it really numbs and warms if you let it linger. I don't understand why dentists dick around with novocaine when they could just as easily swish this around and get the same effect.

(Mental note: Consider abandoning writing forever and becoming the worlds most awesome dentist.)

It's moderate mouthfeel and sweetness would make this a great dessert beer. I could totally envision plopping down on my deck with a marduro-wrappered cigar and this beer on a warm summer evening, hoping to God my wife doesn't catch me smoking. And now I can hear her reminding from the house about how the dishes aren't going to wash themselves. I really need to keep her the fuck out of my fantasy relaxation time.

Grade: A

Notes:

The first official beer of the tasting (meaning it's probably number 3 or 4 overall)

Pranqster
The Pranqster is a vibrant straw-colored Belgian Golden Ale. It has a thick, fluffy eggshell head. It's just pretty. Being a shallow heterosexual male, I need little else to move forward.

The nose has some weird astringent and yeasty smells to it. It's a little offputting, but as a shallow heterosexual male it wouldn't be the first time I've suffered through some yeast to move forward. Okay, that was a little gross.

The taste of this beer is definitely the salvation. There's a lot of light fruit flavors like apple and hints of white grape. There's just enough hop to prevent it from being cloyingly sweet, but that's about it. I get a significant amount of alcohol from it in the finish, but it's not unpleasant. I don't have opinions on the taste in relation to being a shallow heterosexual male, though I can say its complex flavor profile would still meet approval from the jailbait I generally prey upon.

Grade: A-

Notes:

Beer #2: Alcohol-induced malaise is clearly building

Tripel Karmeliet
The Tripel Karmeliet label depicts a rustic countryside with field hands tending to a crop of some sort. This immediately wins me over. I like the idea that someone slaved over my beer because every sip is an opportunity to pass judgment on their entire existence. I want to send them a letter that says "Thank you for the beer. I found it lacking in complexity and craftsmanship. Maybe someday your children will inherit this swill and unshame the family name."

I know I've burned a whole paragraph and not talked about the actual beer yet. When you see the notes you'll understand why.

To the best of my recollection, it had a thin, but resilient head over the orange-hued blonde beer. In fairness, it could have been dark blue with pink lasers coming out of it and I wouldn't be able to confirm with these shoddy notes.

It had a light flowery aroma to the head with hints of citrus. It's a tangy concoction that has lemony notes pairing with a clove spiciness and fruity esters. (Note: "esters" is fancypants beer-talk for fruity & banana-like traces left by the yeast. BEER = LEARNING). It's a little thin in mouthfeel for a tripel and the alcohol is definitely pronounced in the finish.

Grade: B+
Notes:
Beer #3: Warpath?

Find these beers at The Flying Saucer, The Ginger Man Pub and Specs Wine, Spirits and Finer Foods .