You may not have heard but Hugh "I Pee My Pants" Jackman’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine comes out Friday. I know, I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean, shouldn’t someone have told us about this? Maybe start the hype a good year and a half before the release? Just a thought.

Anyway, as an avid lover of all things X-Men (yes, I even like The Last Stand), you would think that I’d be super pumped to see Hugh and his fancy pants strap on those adamantium-plated jazz-hands once again. Well, I’m not. And that’s because I hate Wolverine.

It’s not just my contrarian’s nature that automatically predisposes me to hating the break-out lead of any ensemble cast. Nor is it the fact that Wolverine seems to get more cheesy catchphrases than the rest of the team.

No, actually it all just boils down to one thing: Wolverine is sort of a dick.

Here’s why:

That Stupid Haircut
I mean, just look at it. Tell me that’s not the douchiest haircut you’ve ever seen. What would anyone else look like with that haircut? Let me show you. Exhibit A, Exhibit B, Exhibit C, Exhibit D, Exhibit E, Exhibit F.

Still not convinced? Check out the 'bag in this Wolverine-flavored Schick Quattro commerical:

He's Always A Pill
Yeah, I get it. I DONT KNOW WHO I REALLY AM! Blahblahblah. But guess what: All the X-Men have fairly traumatic backstories. You're such a tough guy, deal with it. Even as a kid watching the '90s animated X-Men series (out now on DVD, suckas!) I'd get tired of little animated Logan chewing the scenery. I've seen less brooding at a teen goth poets' cemetery meet-up. Stop being such a pussy.

He's Canadian
Hey, Canucks, thanks for Avril Lavigne.

Plus, I bet he didn't even appreciate the universal healthcare given his healing powers.

He's Not A Team Player
I guess his "lone wolf" complex is supposed to make the fleeting moments when he does play nice with others all the sweeter, but COME ON. You know Beast is a doctor, right? And Professor Xavier? He's a professor. You might want to just listen to them now and then.

He Macks On Other Guy's Girlfriends
Say you just get a new job. And you show up and your co-worker is like "Hey, dude, so psyched to work with you. Have you met my girlfriend? She works here too!" And then you meet her and you're like "Whoa! She's hot." To play a little Choose Your Own Adventure here for a second, but what do you do next? You can either a) Realize that's really unprofessional and more than a little fucked up, and then ignore her, or b) Continue to hit on her all the time and declare your deep, profound love.

The choice is yours. But choosing b, like our friend Wolverine does with Jean Grey, definitely will make you a dick.