Hollywood seems obsessed with remakes lately. Land of the Lost, Last House on the Left and now The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, which debuts this week.
I know the economy's downturn means a slump in some available resources, but couldn't the studios dust off a few of the scripts they've already acquired? Or at the very least go for the book-to-screenplay route (Terry Gilliam and Good Omens - what are you waiting for? A monogrammed invitation? An act of God?).
Some make the argument that not all of them are 'remakes' per se, rather they take familiar characters and stick them in different situations. Are you buying that?
Here are a few of the rumors, both real and imagined, of characters you get to see again. Because you wanted it that way, I guess. And if you're interested in the 'reimagining' of The Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, the movie starts Friday, June 12.
Nightmare on Elm Street - If you gained newfound respect for Jackie Earl Haley after The Watchmen, you may change your mind. I don't know that anyone could play the part of Freddy Kreuger other than Robert Englund. Englund WAS Freddy Kreuger. Those of us who grew up watching the Nightmare movies know that. He could scare the hell out of us while standing in the middle of Wall Street, sans makeup, with facial hair, horn-rimmed glasses and wearing a business suit with necktie. More of us thirty-somethings would pick him out of a lineup before we could recognize our eighth U.S. president (to save you the trouble of looking it up - Martin Van Buren).
In theaters: April 2010
Death at a Funeral - This is a remake of a movie that was released in 2007. I'll say that again, for the people in the cheap seats - a 2010 remake of a movie released in 2007. You might use the excuse that it was a foreign film, and this one is made for American audiences. Frankly, that dog don't hunt, because the original 2007 movie was a British film made entirely in English.
WTF?
In theaters: 2010
The Birds - Rumor has it that Michael Bay will be directing this 'reimagining' of the Hitchcock classic. I really don't see how that is possible unless the birds have dynamite strapped to their backs. Anyhoo, Tippi Hedren (who was attacked by non-explosive birds in the original) is pissed about the idea and the Hitchcock fanboys are seriously anti-Birds 2.
In theaters: 2010
Clash of the Titans - One of the most awesomely creepy movie scenes ever involved a snake-headed clay woman and Harry Hamlin in a dress. I'm guessing they won't break out the Play Dough for this remake. Also betting Hamlin won't pull out the dress. Lineup so far for the remake includes Ralph Fiennes (Hades), Liam Neeson (Zeus) and Sam Worthington (Perseus). There are also a bunch of other people I don't know, including that Izabella Miko chic that we last saw doing a lame chicken dance half-naked on a bar in Coyote Ugly.
In theaters: March 2010
Fame - Apparently it will live forever. Know what would be cool? Bring back the middle-age cast of the original Fame and make them do their parts all over again, with no script. ("Remember, remember, remember ... FAAAME!") Well, you know ... bring 'em all back except Leroy. He's dead. Let's not bring him back, m'kay?
In theaters: September 2009
Hellraiser - Pinhead is back ya'll. And he's still a mean mother. But Fangoria reports that the new Pinhead may not be the lovable psycho you remember from 1987. According to Dread Central, director Pascal Laugier is calling it a 'reboot', not a remake, in interviews:
"Hellraiser" will NOT be a remake but a 'reboot'. Mixing elements from both the first film and Clive Barker's original "The Hellbound Heart" novella, both the characters of Frank and Julia will be present.
Here is the original Pinhead make-up artist's idea for the new king of cerebral spinyness.
In theaters: 2011
Don't forget the upcoming remakes ("reboots") for Short Circuit, Total Recall, Predator, The A-Team, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Flight of the Navigator, Fright Night, Fall of the House of Usher, and Videodrome.
The world should also be warned that Zac Efron has been making a LOT of noise around Hollywood about how he really, really wants to star in (god help us) a remake of Back to the Future.
The most frustrating part about a lot of these remakes is that there is NO WAY the studios will make them as crazy as the originals. I mean, you can't out-gorify Hellraiser - you can only CGI it all to, uh, Hell. Videodrome is as weird, disturbing and wonderful today as it was when it was first released. And The Birds? Half the awesomeness of that movie comes from the fact that Alfred Hitchcock strapped ACTUAL LIVE BIRDS onto the bodies of his cast. That was real blood! You think Michael Bay's got those kind of balls?
Tracy, you're right. There have to be some cool, original ideas floating around out there. It kills my movie-nerd soul that Hollywood refuses to take a chance on any of them.
That Zac Efron warning put the fear of God in me.
And I couldn't think of a stranger pairing - Michael "blow shit up" Bay and anything Hitchcock.
A Buffy without Joss, a Videodrome without Cronenberg or a Fright Night without awesome...WHAT'S THE MOTHERLOVING POINT?!? And don't forget about the superior Let the Right One In which was made LAST YEAR and is being remade into a blanched, generic, vanilla American version without any bite to it, if you'll excuse the turn of phrase.
If Zac Efron makes Back to the Future, I WILL cut the responsible parties. I will shiv it UP.
And now they're asking Neil Marshall to direct the Rodriguez-produced Predator rehash?! Neil Marshall who is TEEMING with fresh new ideas, and he's willing to jump on the remake bandwagon? UGH!
They want to remake a movie to improve it? Try Glitter.
Let the Right One in was an INCREDIBLE film.
I got it! David Cronenberg remakes Glitter, and everyone else leaves remakes the hell alone!
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