Terminator Salvation is set 14 years after Judgment Day in a post-nuclear apocalyptic wasteland. And you guys ... HOTTEST. APOCALYPSE. EVER. With Christian Bale, Sam Worthington, Common, Bryce Dallas Howard and Moon Bloodgood sexing up the joint with their pearly whites and flawless complexions, I say bring it on, Skynet! Kill all the ugly people!
It’s totally awesome that your advanced artificial intelligence has the capability to weed out the three billion homely folks on the planet and leave behind all the supermodels. Also, nice job preventing that nasty radiation sickness from tainting the pretty survivors. You’re not evil, Skynet! You just hate the ugly. And who among us doesn’t?
Terminator: Salvation: Warner Bros.
So clearly, annihilation by supercomputer is the way to go. Hotness-wise, let’s compare it to the other methods of world-ending catastrophe, shall we?
MGMEscape from New York:
Post-WWIII, Manhattan has been turned into a maximum security prison. Pretty hot! I mean, Kurt Russell is sporting that sassy eyepatch, some seriously lustrous locks and the studly nickname of “Snake.” Adrienne Barbeau … frankly has looked better.
Warner Bros.Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome:Anarchy, a desperate quest for fuel, and gladiator-style ass kicking = kinda hot! Tina Turner is brain-meltingly bad-ass in all the mesh and feathers. Mel’s rather rocking the leather and the distinguished salt-and-pepper look. Not too shabby for apocalypse fashion.
Warner Bros.The Postman: Oregon in the midst of nuclear winter. Surprisingly, not as hot as it sounds. Everyone’s all dusty and scraggly-bearded and poncho-bedecked. Olivia Williams must retain her hotness by bathing really often.
Universal Pictures12 Monkeys: Much of the human race is wiped out by a devastating virus and the remaining survivors live underground. Eh, not that hot. Bruce has looked better, and Brad’s all wonky-eyed and twitchy even before the virus strikes. Also, dude, cut your hair. You’re no Kurt Russell.
20th Century FoxPlanet of the Apes: After humans blow themselves up, a society of apes takes over the planet. Serious hotness deficiency. Charleton Heston looks alright, but as an outsider, he doesn’t count. Dr. Zaius and Zira are probably the best-looking of the apes, but is that really the standard we want to use here?
double true on all fronts, meredith. i would most gladly bid farewell to the earth as we know it if it meant that i could spend even one day with His Utmost Hotness, christian bale. like, even if we both hadn't showered for days and had nasty film on our teeth. I WOULD STILL MAKE OUT WITH HIM, NO PROBLEM.
i welcome further hotness commentary from you, perhaps for "almost apocalypse" movies. also, are we allowed to do this for harry potter yet?!!
Daniel Radcliffe is 20. Game ON.
GAME ON INDEED. also i just had a vision of ron, hermione and harry playing quidditch with a movable net the street, wayne's world style. awesome.
I have to say that KR is not hot. I'm sorry, but he's not. Snake is one ugly MFer, which really helps him save mankind, but does not make for a pretty post-apocalyptic movie. I think the hottest movie in this genre (bear with me, i'm stretching the limits of "apocalypse") is Gattaca. Ethan Hawke (meh), Uma Thurman (duh!), Jude Law (dubleduh), and Gore Vidal (his coolness makes up for general old-man sagginess).
Obviously, Revjon, I won't be able to change your mind about this, but let me give you one more KR-is-so-hot-I-could-just-die moment: R.J. MacReady in John Carpenter's The Thing. Yea, it was more than than 25 years ago, but that's what the DVD was invented for. Forever hotness!
Syd, I respect your opinion, and I love that movie. I mean, maybe he's hot in a kind of "kickass" way, like maybe straight guys would be like "That Kurt Russell, he's a man!" but he doesn't do it for me. I would have sex with the titular "Thing" before I'd touch KR.
wait, what about Tombstone? When he grabs that whip out of that guy's hand and slaps him with it and says, "Hurts, don't it?" Or when he bitch slaps Billy Bob Thornton and growls, "You gonna do something or just stand there and bleed? I SAID THROW DOWN, BOY."
Phew! My next post may be all about Kurt Russell.
p.s. I am not a straight man.
Actually, i have to say that he was pretty smokin in Captain Ron.
He was hot in Tombstone, but I didn't notice. I was too distracted by Sam Elliott's sexy growl ...
This is a ridiculous argument. Has no one seen Big Trouble in Little China? Debate over. No one is as hot as Jack Burton. My God, the man drove the Pork Chop Express!
See, straight guy. No offense, Jerry, just sayin...
True, I am a straight guy, but there's nothing bromantic about the KR hotness vote. Actually, the fact that Kurt Russell gives straight guys the vapors should be further testament to his indisputable hotness, shouldn't it?
I could swim in the dimple in a Russell's chin. No thanks.
Meredith, this was a v. informative review of hotpocalypse movies; however, I believe honorable mention should be given for 28 Days Later. Okay, yes, rage-infested zombies are tres lame, but extended nude scenes and pretty, pretty Cillian Murphy are definitely not!
Just to qualify. KR is super hot. I'm Syd; I'm a girl. Kurt/Snake/MacReady is hot, no matter what you have between your legs.
Meredith, I am so glad you wrote this review. Something good has come out of a movie that for weeks now has done nothing but generated bad feelings in my soul.
And you are spot on. Skynet isn't evil, it's just harsh. But fair.
Someone should send this thread to KR to show him that people still find him slightly relevant. At least enough to argue his hotness in movies made 10-20 years ago.
I think out of all the apocalypse movies mentioned, I may have to choose Planet of the Apes with the provision that I would get to be Charlton Heston. Benefits: you're the only human that can talk and are therefore the leader by default and they put you with an attractive woman who can't talk and you just get to eat and mate. Not all bad.
A runner up would be The Postman. Of course since Kevin Costner is there and "in charge" the apocalypse would seem to take forever for no reason but hey, you get to live in Oregon *and* Tom Petty is there. Not bad either.
I think Syd should print it out and hand deliver it to him.
I'm either too young to agree that KR is hot (because he's not... even if I loved Big Trouble in Little China) or KR is just not hot.
Tracy - Daniel Radcliffe? You're starting to scare me like Nicki scares me. (shakes head in disappointment)
Meredith - Love the post.
I'm going to go ahead and voice my creepy opinion that Daniel Radcliffe is totally hot. I have no interest in Kurt Russell, however. Speaking of hot, comments haven't been this hot since the penis slide.
Dude. Daniel Radcliffe is hot. Punto. Nothing creepy about it.
Kurt Russell, on the other hand, is old.
As for apocalypse movies, I'm surprised no one has mentioned Blade Runner, starring Harrison Ford, who also is not hot.
ditto on Dan Radcliffe. fact that he hangs out with drag queens makes him even hotter.
KR - Overboard. no matter how hot he might have been in the other movies, him in overalls with the pig and 6(?) kids not so pretty - douses the fires.
and does one need to apply for that skynet job?
OK, Daniel Radcliffe ... getting hotter by the day. KR always hot. Harrison Ford ... NEVER hot. Christian Bale -- just saw TS -- hot but scary, and not in the good way.
So I took a few days to gather my thoughts, and I have to give this one to RevJon.... My affection for KR DOES feel more boy-crush than man-lust. RevJon, you win this time, you insightful bastard!
Loving all the discussion here! Daniel Radcliffe is allowed to be hot now! And he is, definitively. KR is clearly up for dispute, as these comments testify. Harrison Ford is only hot in Temple of Doom. And there...yowza.
Daniel Radcliffe's ALLOWED to be hot, but he still ISN'T hot. But maybe someone should let him know he's allowed to be, so he can start working on that face of his.
Harrison Ford has never been anything less than smoking in any movie he's ever been in. You guys are as bad as the Communists he seeks to destroy in that Indiana Jones movie that we all wish we could burn from our memories. If we cannot trust the enduring hotness of Harrison Ford, what can we trust?
Gotta love those hot apes.
Post new comment