chron.com | tubular tv | comics | games | horoscopes | iPhone | Quick Search
Michael Bay-styleAfter watching Michael Bay make sweaty, tan, turbo-charged love to himself for two and a half hours last night, it occurred to me that there are a few key attributes that all of his movies share.
The first Transformers, the recent Revenge of the Fallen, The Island, both Bad Boys, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon and The Rock are all well over two hours and can boast an outlandishly bronzed cast, weird over-exposed lighting, and more explosions than you can shake a stick of dynamite at. It got me thinking - what other movies would I like to see Michael Bay imprint with his particular brand of gratuitous dude-ity?
Casablanca (1942):
Rick Blaine is a reformed American assassin with a bitchin’ scar, hiding out in the beautiful town of Casablanca, Morocco. He now owns a classy strip joint called Rick’s Cabaret Américain. Ilsa’s the beautiful but cold-hearted stripper who got away. Rick wins her back with his take-no-prisoners baditude and she agrees to leave her chump husband Victor and become Rick’s number one dancer again. Just as Victor and Ilsa’s plane is departing for Lisbon, Ilsa parachutes out in a red lace negligee and the plane erupts into flames, as the credits roll to AC/DC’s “If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It).”
Bridges of Madison County (1995):
Francesca Johnson is a hot, young, lonely housewife played by Scarlett Johansson, and Megan Fox plays Candy, the sexy lesbian undercover cop posing as a photographer. Candy arrives in Madison County ostensibly to take a photo essay of bridges in the area, but once she falls for Francesca, she confides that there is actually a bomb hidden on one of the bridges and they have four days to find it. Candy and Francesca fall in love and lust over the high-octane four-day adventure, and Francesca uncovers hidden desires she never knew she had. They locate the bomb but with only seconds to spare to deactivate it, they embrace topless on the bridge as it explodes and the credits roll to The Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself.”
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968):
The monkeys are busty, bikini-clad natives and the monolith is actually a lost alien gold shipment. Dr. Heywood R. Floyd has been chasing the gold shipment his entire life, and he travels through space and time to capture the monolith. Dr. Bowman and Dr. Poole are piloted to the planet by a wackily comedic computer named HAL, voiced by Eddie Murphy, and they fight Dr. Floyd to the death for the coveted gold. Floyd emerges victorious and discovers that all his heart has desired is not the gold, but what he has here, on this strange and beautiful alien land. He collapses in bliss as dozens of the beautiful extraterrestrials fall on top of him, moaning in ecstasy. The credits roll to Rick James’s “Super Freak.”
When Harry Met Sally (1989):
Harry is a cynical, embittered spy and Sally’s the girl-next-door prostitute who wins his heart. They first meet on 9-11 but are torn apart by fate and the terrorists, until years later, they meet on top of the Empire State Building after Osama bin Laden has been defeated by the American army. Harry and Sally embrace passionately as red, white and blue fireworks light up the night sky behind them, and the credits roll to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.”
The Graduate (1967):
Benjamin Braddock is a West Point graduate being heavily recruited by the Green Berets due to his masterly expertise of plastic explosives. Unfortunately, Benjamin is conflicted about his future, as he’s struggling with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He falls for the lethal Mrs. Robinson and her naïve, nubile young daughter, Elaine. After a rogue Beret threatens his parents in order to coerce him to join the Special Forces, Benjamin decides to embrace a life of peace, love, and kinky sex. He embarks on a smoking hot mother-daughter threesome as the credits roll to The Lemonheads’ cover of “Mrs. Robinson.”
After experiencing the insight and subtle elegance Bay brought to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, one can only believe that every great film would be improved by his light and graceful touch. What classic film would you like to see transformed by this cinematic master? Holla back at me, y’all!
um, i know this is wrong, but i would soooo watch the michael bay version of "casablanca." mostly cos i love parachutes and AC/DC.
also? i am COMPLETELY SHOCKED that michael bay hasn't remade "gone with the wind" yet. i mean, it's already got the sexism he loves, plus there's fire!! all he needs to do is throw in a scene where rhett battles the entire union army with a sawed-off rifle and HI-larious sarcasm as his only weapons. meanwhile, scarlett (already a tart) is forced into prostitution when her mansion is bombed by escaping slaves. rhett, wearing an incredibly realistic abe lincoln mask as a disguise, flies in on the wing (literally) of a fighter jet (what, you think michael bay gives a shizz that they weren't invented yet?!!) and grabs the scantily clad scarlett as nickelback's cover of "sweet home alabama" plays over the end credits.
"Nickelback's cover of Sweet Home Alabama"! Priceless.
Citizen Kane (1941)
Charles Foster Kane is a young man who has come into great wealth, and he decides to use it to buy the failed state of Afghanistan and rename it Xanadu. Insurgents (and ample explosions) slow the process, elections are held but widely perceived as rigged, and we learn at the end that Rosebud was the pet name he had for his handsome, young Afghani translator, taken before his time by an IUD. Or is that IED?
IUD vs. IED - I think it could be either.
But I suspect they'd be two very different stories. With two very different MPAA ratings, lol.
so true!
Breakfast at Tiffany's. As Holly and Paul embrace in a kiss, Tiffany's explodes and diamonds rain down upon the city. As the diamonds fall, Moon River (a faster, more radio-friendly version performed by Smash Mouth) plays in the background. Roll credits. Then, as a nod to a sequel, we see a man with detonating cord run away from the scene, amidst a sea of New Yorkers beating the crap out of each other as they hastily pocket the fallen gems.
So help me, if Smash Mouth ever covers Moon River, I will kill myself.
Haha, this cracks me up! Oh, and there's just something weird about giant robots faking orgasms in order to destroy the sun.
Lesbians rule!
I know this isn't the type of comment you requested, but I saw the preview for this movie, and there was a part when a human character asks a bunch of the transformers about reading something, and they all laugh, and one of them says in this obviously black voice "read? we don't read" and i thought that was really weird and racist! Am I alone on this one?
You are so not alone. The "black" Autobots totally horrified us. Although everyone else in the theater was laughing uproariously at their ebonics, so maybe WE'RE alone. Together. In our horror.
How about a Michael Bay remake of It’s a Wonderful Life? Bruce Willis stars as George Bailey - lover, dreamer, family man, and man about town. After a streak of bad luck at the poker table, George Bailey decides to commit suicide. Will Smith plays Clarence, the wisecracking, gun-toting guardian angel, who stops George’s suicide attempt and shows him what the world would be like without his presence. George and Clarence team up to battle Mr. Potter, personified by Billy Bob Thorton, a vengeful slumlord who’s been secretly pumping crack cocaine and Ecstasy into the poor people’s water supply, then charging them extra for it. The movie builds to an explosive climax as George and Mr. Potter battle in flying Lamborghinis, while on the ground below, Clarence uses his angel-gun to blow up the Ecstasy lab, causing a chemical-enhanced rainfall to drench the city. Eventually, George blows Mr. Potter out of the sky, then joins the celebration on the ground, where an innocent ethnic slum-child, played by Megan Fox, introduces him to the sensual joys of poor-people sex. Martin Lawrence cameos as a jive-talking donkey.
Oh, and soundtrack by Aerosmith, who’s title track “It’s a Wonderful Life (Sha Na Na)” becomes the highest selling single since Nickelback’s cover of “Sweet Home, Alabama.”
oh god, the horror! the horror!
Martin Lawrence cameos as a jive-talking, gold-toothed robot. That's probably a little more Michael Bay.
Post new comment