It's official: Madonna has been confirmed as this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show entertainment, the latest indisputable sign that the year 2012 marks the apocalypse. This seems to me like the most inappropriate choice of halftime performer since... Well, last year, I guess. But I'm not that concerned; it's not as though I was planning on watching anyway. My dad, on the other hand, is not taking the news so well. A longtime sports fan, devoted middle-American and avid Madonna hater since he became aware of her, he (like many football enthusiasts / dudes) is, to put it mildly, nonplussed by her participation in this season's Super Bowl.
The following is a proposed list of halftime shows my dad would consider less upsetting and/or offensive than having to watch Madge's gristly frame prance around Lucas Oil Field next February. Me? I've said this before but I think they just need to get Prince again.
29. A Magical Ice Dancing Salute to Sex in the City
28. Yoko Ono performing side two of Abbey Road
27. A half-hour Bill Clinton saxophone solo and / or policy speech
26. Wilson Phillips
25. David Sedaris reading selections from his new collection of essays with a severe head cold
24. Janet Jackson again, with or without that one thing happening
23. Twelve dozen Canadian Mounties doing gymnastics
22. Carlos Mencia lip-synching Prince songs
21. Australian children's band The Wiggles
20. Selected Vagina Monologues
19. A moment of silence, enforced nationwide, punishable by death
18. An episode of Glee reenacted on the field by an actual high school glee club that won a contest or some crap
17. An episode of Glee
16. Kanye West silently weeping for twenty-five minutes
14. Depeche Mode
13. The thing where a lady dances with a ribbon and it's on the Olympics for some reason
12. A KISS tribute band picked at random from a phone book
11. "That Arcade Fire thing... Oh, but you'd just love that, wouldn't you"
10. A gang of mimes urinating on the exhumed corpse of former Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi
9. The Dixie Chicks, just shootin' their mouths off
8. An All-Transvestite Salute to the Heroes of World War II
7. You know those kids that have a show on the Disney Channel and then they make them have a singing career? Like Miley Cyrus, but other people too? One of those.
6. The Muppets, sans puppeteers
5. A hushed acoustic set from one of the guys from LFMAO (the one on the left)
4. A tired, out-of-sync Occupy Wall Street drum circle
3. Tay "Chocolate Rain" Zonday, doing a medley of his later works
2. Janeane Garofalo lighting Roseanne Barr's farts until they successfully ignite a large American flag
1. Anything else, just ANYTHING