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Football's a mystery, everyone must stand alone
It's official: Madonna has been confirmed as this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show entertainment, the latest indisputable sign that the year 2012 marks the apocalypse. This seems to me like the most inappropriate choice of halftime performer since... Well, last year, I guess. But I'm not that concerned; it's not as though I was planning on watching anyway. My dad, on the other hand, is not taking the news so well. A longtime sports fan, devoted middle-American and avid Madonna hater since he became aware of her, he (like many football enthusiasts / dudes) is, to put it mildly, nonplussed by her participation in this season's Super Bowl.
The following is a proposed list of halftime shows my dad would consider less upsetting and/or offensive than having to watch Madge's gristly frame prance around Lucas Oil Field next February. Me? I've said this before but I think they just need to get Prince again.
29. A Magical Ice Dancing Salute to Sex in the City
28. Yoko Ono performing side two of Abbey Road
27. A half-hour Bill Clinton saxophone solo and / or policy speech
26. Wilson Phillips
25. David Sedaris reading selections from his new collection of essays with a severe head cold
24. Janet Jackson again, with or without that one thing happening
23. Twelve dozen Canadian Mounties doing gymnastics
22. Carlos Mencia lip-synching Prince songs
21. Australian children's band The Wiggles
20. Selected Vagina Monologues
19. A moment of silence, enforced nationwide, punishable by death
18. An episode of Glee reenacted on the field by an actual high school glee club that won a contest or some crap
17. An episode of Glee
16. Kanye West silently weeping for twenty-five minutes
15. Ventriloquism
14. Depeche Mode
13. The thing where a lady dances with a ribbon and it's on the Olympics for some reason
12. A KISS tribute band picked at random from a phone book
11. "That Arcade Fire thing... Oh, but you'd just love that, wouldn't you"
10. A gang of mimes urinating on the exhumed corpse of former Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi
9. The Dixie Chicks, just shootin' their mouths off
8. An All-Transvestite Salute to the Heroes of World War II
7. You know those kids that have a show on the Disney Channel and then they make them have a singing career? Like Miley Cyrus, but other people too? One of those.
6. The Muppets, sans puppeteers
5. A hushed acoustic set from one of the guys from LFMAO (the one on the left)
4. A tired, out-of-sync Occupy Wall Street drum circle
3. Tay "Chocolate Rain" Zonday, doing a medley of his later works
2. Janeane Garofalo lighting Roseanne Barr's farts until they successfully ignite a large American flag
1. Anything else, just ANYTHING
I have to agree. Seriously, the worlds third-oldest 20-y-o wannabe? She had a couple of good songs in the '80s, but it's been pretentious ka-ka ever since. Remember Desperately Seeking Susan?
I don't want to see Madonna either. She is too old to be prancing around like a teenager. She should have come to grips with her age & adjusted her act accordingly. That doesn't mean not to have fun with her act or not be creative or not to be sexy either; it just means embrace you are ARE, not who you used to be. And Madonna doesn't do that.
Ageism is not cool. Madonna is an amazing and reliable performer. However she dares to be a woman over 40 in pop music.
Define "reliable" for us.
If this is the NFL's way of trying to stay fresh and reach a new generation they's got it all wrong. Modanna was great perfomer in her time - emhpasis on the word was. She seems to have forgotten that no matter how much plastic surgery you get - you cannot stop the passage of time. Watching her prancing around in a skimpy outfit will ge ghastly to say the least. Perhaps the NFL needs to rename this half-time show the geritol half-time show.
what the heck ever happened to marching bands at halftime?
Your dad is obviously a very WISE man.
HAH! Jokes on you. There IS no such thing as an "half hour" Bill Clinton policy speech.
It could be worse. Madonna could be opening for Cher.
Madonna, with backup singers: Taylor Dane, Joan Jett, Whitney Houston, Cyndi Lauper, Annie, Lennox, Debbie Gibson, Debbie Harry, Chrissie Hynde.
That would stack the stage with enough wiggly-jiggly, washed-out / drugged-out wrinkled flesh to render impotent even the most testosterone charged teen.
Madonna rocks and I am so glad that she will be doing the half-time show. The halftime show is usually the only reason us gays watch the SuperBowl to begin with.
BIG SMILE
FZGZE
Then you shouldn't be watching the Super Bowl, Brian. The Super Bowl is not about the entertainment; it's about FOOT BALL. If you want to watch Madonna so bad, go to one of her concerts!
An insult to the sport of football...
Is that possible?
Grinchy, I'm with you. Bring on the bands. When the Super Bowl officials know which two teams will play in the game, invite AND PAY FOR award winning high school and college bands of the two teams' cities to put on a mass band halftime. You wouldn't need amplification, you'd get a show a lot more meaningful to the crowd and a lot more wholesome and entertaining.
Some of those things might be watchable.
Here is the perfect halftime show:
Act I: The Parade of Machine Guns - Here a bunch of women dressed in camo bikinis walk through the stadium carrying machine guns loaded with blanks. They fire them off while the PA system plays "Rock You Like a Hurricane." (Substitute in another song if the game is being played in New Orleans)
Act II: Showcase of Strippers - In the second act a giant stage full of polls will be wheeled out with 100 polls. Then 100 of America's best strippers will hit the stage and dance a set to "I love Rock and Roll."
Act III (The Final Act) American Idol Loser Hunting - After the strippers are taken off the field and all the dollar bills are picked up, a giant maze will be place on the field. At one end is a recording contract; on the other the losers 3-5 on the latest American Idol. They are then set loose into the maze which contains 12 of Africa's best big game hunters and Dick Cheney. If they can get through without being killed, they get the contract.
It has nothing to do with age, she played out in the 80's. And honestly, I think she reached out to them, it is really hard to imagine or believe with so many popular artists now that she was their number one choice.
Yeah, because male performers, again WHITE and MALE performers, are more bearable to watch than Madonna, even though they're more or less her age. Come on, let your dad be ageist, sexist, and jingoist.
I personally would like to see dwarfs jousting on ostriges.
I like No.1 - Anything, not Anybody Else. I agree
It's not ageism. It's just that Madonna isn't relevant and hasn't been for decades - if ever relevant.
How about Clay Walker signing his football song? Or Hank Jr. singing a football song?
Or a collection of the countries top highschool marching BANDS!!! that's a GREAT idea!
I want to see a Marching Band at halftime, dangit. Call the network.
Nobody will ever top Prince.
Get Tina Turner - her act won't ever grow old!
How about the TSU "Ocean of Soul"? I've always enjoyed them and I'm an old white guy.
Bring back Carol Channing!! Now that was some half time super show.
Marching Bands would be the best choice.
If that isnt' possible, I'd rather watch someone throwing up, Open Heart Surgery on the big screen, or just about anything besides that old Ho Bag no talent Madge. This is an insult to football fans everywhere.
I don't really need that blast from my past...I've tried to forget Madonna along with the blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs I had in the 80's. Personally, I'd just rather see more commercials. They're the reason I watch the game in the first place.
People can be so hateful of those who succeed and have the confidence they lack! Horray for Madonna being 53 and still kicking butt. All the haters stop being bitter of your shortcomings and grow up! Praise those that succeed and thrive on their enery!
It has nothing to do with how old and irrelevant Madonna really is, and everything to do with the fact that she has absolutely nothing in common with NFL Football. A less synonymous act they could not have chosen, unless they chose Barry Manilow.
a recording of tiny tim play the uke.
You can measure the machismo of a man by how much he can't stand Gaga or Madonna. Let the Madonna-bashing end. Also, 40% of the viewers of the super bowl are women now. Perhaps they're adjusting to the changing climate. This oozes misanthropy.
The NFL has for some time been trying to expand the
fan base to include women / gays, and this is just
another step in that effort. Madonna has been annoying for
the majority of her career. I'm in complete agreement
that pretty much anything in the article list would be
more enjoyable than a Madonna halftime show.
I thought with last years halftime show, the NFL had finally broken out of the geezer performers. Oh well. How about getting somebody relevant to the music world today?
The Fightin' Texas Aggie Band!
Ah, you mock. But have you actually seen one of their shows?
Excellent choice. Glad to know I won't be missing anything special as I take my bathroom break / beer run / pizza delivery munch.
Now this might make me actually watch the game...
12. A KISS tribute band picked at random from a phone book
Hilarious list, best (intentional) chuckle I've had in a while on the chron.
I'd rather just see some creative Super Bowl ads. Bring on the Clydesdales!
I believe the puppy bowl will be on Animal Planet at that time, it should be a ton better than Madonna.
Justin Timborelake and Justin Bierboring singing in a sound-proof booth!
I would rather waltz with a water buffalo than see Madonna at halftime.