Michael Bay-styleAfter watching Michael Bay make sweaty, tan, turbo-charged love to himself for two and a half hours last night, it occurred to me that there are a few key attributes that all of his movies share.
The first Transformers, the recent Revenge of the Fallen, The Island, both Bad Boys, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon and The Rock are all well over two hours and can boast an outlandishly bronzed cast, weird over-exposed lighting, and more explosions than you can shake a stick of dynamite at. It got me thinking - what other movies would I like to see Michael Bay imprint with his particular brand of gratuitous dude-ity?
Casablanca (1942):
Rick Blaine is a reformed American assassin with a bitchin’ scar, hiding out in the beautiful town of Casablanca, Morocco. He now owns a classy strip joint called Rick’s Cabaret Américain. Ilsa’s the beautiful but cold-hearted stripper who got away. Rick wins her back with his take-no-prisoners baditude and she agrees to leave her chump husband Victor and become Rick’s number one dancer again. Just as Victor and Ilsa’s plane is departing for Lisbon, Ilsa parachutes out in a red lace negligee and the plane erupts into flames, as the credits roll to AC/DC’s “If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It).”
Bridges of Madison County (1995):
Francesca Johnson is a hot, young, lonely housewife played by Scarlett Johansson, and Megan Fox plays Candy, the sexy lesbian undercover cop posing as a photographer. Candy arrives in Madison County ostensibly to take a photo essay of bridges in the area, but once she falls for Francesca, she confides that there is actually a bomb hidden on one of the bridges and they have four days to find it. Candy and Francesca fall in love and lust over the high-octane four-day adventure, and Francesca uncovers hidden desires she never knew she had. They locate the bomb but with only seconds to spare to deactivate it, they embrace topless on the bridge as it explodes and the credits roll to The Divinyl’s “I Touch Myself.”
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968):
The monkeys are busty, bikini-clad natives and the monolith is actually a lost alien gold shipment. Dr. Heywood R. Floyd has been chasing the gold shipment his entire life, and he travels through space and time to capture the monolith. Dr. Bowman and Dr. Poole are piloted to the planet by a wackily comedic computer named HAL, voiced by Eddie Murphy, and they fight Dr. Floyd to the death for the coveted gold. Floyd emerges victorious and discovers that all his heart has desired is not the gold, but what he has here, on this strange and beautiful alien land. He collapses in bliss as dozens of the beautiful extraterrestrials fall on top of him, moaning in ecstasy. The credits roll to Rick James’s “Super Freak.”
When Harry Met Sally (1989):
Harry is a cynical, embittered spy and Sally’s the girl-next-door prostitute who wins his heart. They first meet on 9-11 but are torn apart by fate and the terrorists, until years later, they meet on top of the Empire State Building after Osama bin Laden has been defeated by the American army. Harry and Sally embrace passionately as red, white and blue fireworks light up the night sky behind them, and the credits roll to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.”
The Graduate (1967):
Benjamin Braddock is a West Point graduate being heavily recruited by the Green Berets due to his masterly expertise of plastic explosives. Unfortunately, Benjamin is conflicted about his future, as he’s struggling with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He falls for the lethal Mrs. Robinson and her naïve, nubile young daughter, Elaine. After a rogue Beret threatens his parents in order to coerce him to join the Special Forces, Benjamin decides to embrace a life of peace, love, and kinky sex. He embarks on a smoking hot mother-daughter threesome as the credits roll to The Lemonheads’ cover of “Mrs. Robinson.”
After experiencing the insight and subtle elegance Bay brought to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, one can only believe that every great film would be improved by his light and graceful touch. What classic film would you like to see transformed by this cinematic master? Holla back at me, y’all!