In August of '09, Jeff Balke wrote a great blog post about Washington Avenue in the Houston Heights, wherein he coined the term "douchefication." If you cruise down Washington around midnight, you will find a large quantity of wealthy and intoxicated patrons that listen to pop music intentionally and think they can tell the difference between Grey Goose and Stolichnaya in a Long Island Iced Tea.
The good bars and music venues are long gone and have been replaced with trendy, packed dance clubs with unimaginative bartenders and top 40 remixes playing on booming sound systems intended as a conversation preventative.
In the last month or two, Taqueria Tierra Caliente has changed its location to Washington and a new player has moved into town: Taqueria Maya Quiche. Stationed in front of The Lot, this truck has been drumming up a good bit of business since its arrival.
I had never ventured into The Lot before so I thought I'd case the joint. I tried to ignore the two straight girls making out at the bar, but they were in between me and the bartender. The speakers thumped some kind of Michael Jackson techno remix butchery that made my stomach turn. I had to shout.
"AHEM. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM."
No response.
"MIND IF I ORDER A DRINK?"
"Oh thanks baby! I'll have a Patron shot and she'll have a Grey Goose and Red Bull! Hee-Hee!"
As an amateur anthropologist, I opted to converse with her in her native language by executing a vintage 1990 Shannen Dougherty eye roll.
A soulless doucheketeer soaked in Axe Body Spray bumped into me, scratching my arm with the rhinestones on his shirt. I tried to stare him down but he was wearing sunglasses.
Sunglasses.
Waiting in line on Washington.: Photo by GunsandTacos
I left the bar before I could get myself into trouble. Taqueria Maya Quiche was in full effect. A dozen wobbling patrons lined up in front of the joint, so I cut in line and ordered some tacos, knowing that none of these guys have ever been in a fist fight in their lives for fear of messing up their hair or damaging their jewelry. They've never even watched a Western.
There's a funny thing about Washington Avenue. I've noticed that nobody fights. They will push each other around, yell, take their shirts off while waiting for their buddies to pull them away, but nobody swings. These are a bunch of hand models that practice suggestive faces in the mirror before going out for the evening. They use daily facial moisturizer.
Maya Quiche is an unusual name for a taco truck, right? That's because you're thinking of quiche, that awful egg pie thing that old people make for breakfast. That's not it. The Quiché are a Mayan people from the highlands of Guatemala, mostly from Chichicastenango, or Chichi for short. Guatemalans are just like Mexicans except shorter.
I ordered three tacos al pastor. If you don't know what those are by now, you've got some catching up to do, homie. I hoped they'd have some unique Mayan cuisine or tamales wrapped in banana leaves, but no such luck. I ordered con todo, "with everything". At most taco trucks, this means they're going to put fresh chopped white onions and cilantro on your taco. If the taco truck is on Washington Street, I've learned that the demands of the audience dictate what goes on your taco.
I can only imagine the remonstrance of the Washington crowd when the truck first opened.
"Where is the lettuce? Where is the tomato? Where is the CHEESE, and why aren't you playing KE$HA?"
Gringo-ed tacos.: Photo by GunsandTacos
I've previously warned of taco trucks that acknowledge gringo-ism by replacing onions and cilantro with lettuce and tomato. To placate the hordes, Maya Quiche adds everything to their tacos. Cilantro, onions, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese. And you know what? It's pretty good. The pork was on the dry side, but when you add all of those fresh elements to it and dump some salsa on top, you won't notice. The red salsa was just how I like it. Bright red and filled with jalapeño seeds, with an ideal texture. Although the meat is the core of the taco, you've got to realize that the pastor test is the toughest to pass. I'm guessing that if I had ordered a fajita taco, it would have passed with flying colors.
The beauty is, if you're in this location you don't need to serve good tacos. You could sell cans of Spam for five bucks a pop if you were so inclined. These jokers will buy anything. Maya Quiche serves a fine taco with quality ingredients, even though they don't have to. To someone who has spent the last three hours on the dance floor guzzling shots of high-end sipping tequila with a salted rim and dry-humping girls who have been giving him bad phone numbers, this is a king's feast.
Did you know Patron is owned by a co-founder of the Paul Mitchell line of hair care products?
Photo by GunsandTacos
I continued down Washington, seeing people pee in alleys and argue about reality shows. Two guys leaned into the passenger window of a car, sharing a box of pizza and a bottle of Grey Goose with the bar spigot still on it. One guy on the street opted to remove his shirt and tie it around his head. I mean, that actually made sense to him.
Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike these folks. They're not too different than me, really -- just younger, drunker, richer and they use hair dryers.
I had a good time hanging around on Washington, but I've got to admit I did feel a bit smug, and for one simple reason.
I know better places to hang out.
The facts remain. Some girls need a place to make out with each other to attract guys with Prada shoes or an Audi key chain, and some guys need a place to dress like characters in The Fast and the Furious and break up pseudo-fights that would have never occurred. I don't hold it against them -- it's not their fault they have never spot welded, caught a saltwater fish or changed their own tire.
Yes! A new terms for douchebags = "bunch of hand models."
Brilliant! This town is over ridden by soul less pretty boys with beach muscles and fake tans! They fancy themselves "stylish" yet are devoid of any personal sense of fashion, mainly because they have no sense of person. Lastly, they all think they are Billy Bad Ass. I love it when they cry.
Love it!
Look at the guy in the back with the blue sweater vest, backwards hat and cargo shorts. He was the life of the party. Seriously.
Gut-clenchifying / hilarious as usual. Awesome.
good fish tacos, too.
"One guy on the street opted to remove his shirt and tie it around his head."
Probably had Ed Hardy poisoning. Tends to make the chest hot and the head cold.
Damn...just when I thought the levels of douchery on Washington had reached all-time highs, some jackass walked in The Lot the other day. Thinking he was cooler than everyone else on the street, he proceeded to push past two girls minding their own business at the bar and then orders some lame drink that no one has ever heard of because, clearly, that makes him cooler than everyone else. He then goes outside and cuts in line at the taco stand and tries to order in pathetic Spanish even though he has no idea what he is getting. What an ass-clown! Finally, this loser (the only person on Washington without a friend) walks down the street sneering at everyone else because he obviously knows something nobody else does. Luckily everyone else on Washington was too busy having fun to pay any attention this super-douche.
Sounded like the girls at the bar were minding each other's business.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but trying to out douche a blogger never will.
Don't quit you dayjob, Anon, you sanctimonious fuck.
Hmmmm, I wonder which one of the previous posters suffers from extreme douchetitis. And is a hand model.
Wow, didnt know this had happened to Washington Ave. Been to H town a few times n the last few years, but didnt venture down Washington, had no idea they had turned it into what you described.. ugh.. I can only imagine.. Not my crowd at all, though I cant think of a club that hosts my crowd.. I hate dress codes and the places that have them, for the most part.
I could sure use some tacos from a taco truck, hold the tomatoes, cheese, and lettuce.. NO taco trucks here in the Vancouver BC area.. dammit.
BEST 29-95 POST EVER!
Hilarious....Love it!
Hilarious -- thank you for this.
Yawn.
I just don't think it's original anymore to to call Washington Ave douche-row or make the same tired Ed Hardy tee jokes. We get it...there are tools on Washington! I tend to agree...but I also think there are tools everywhere! Even at artsy little Brasil cafe when I stop in for a sandwhich and that's a totally differant crowd. Whatever- tune them out and stop acting like if you DO happen to venture to a place on Washington, you have to preface it with Oh I hate going here....blah blah....but my friend is making me go. Where else is there?? Richmond Ave Downtown? Also, on a seperate note, I saw the tweet of the guy in the blue vest w/ the hat turned backwards and I personally thought it was uncool to tweet (make fun of him!). A lot of the younger crowd dress that way...has nothing to do w/ him being a douche on Washington.
You sound like Charlie Brown's teacher: "Blah blah blahhh blahh blahhhh."
I do not know where you live, but their is a good reason not to swing in Houston; a large proportion of us are carry concealed hand guns, and a bit of pigeon-chesting does no harm.
As for your idea of what makes a good taco, maybe you need to spend some time eating Mexican and Tex-Mex that include lettuce and tomato. if the pork is dry it is unacceptable and any decent place would use Serrano peppers in their sauces, de-seeded.
You also seemed to have overlooked the serious and excellent food and ambiance available on the Washington corridor, but I will leave you to discover those places for yourself.
Otherwise, a really funny way of looking at the sheeple.
Sheeple--I like it.
you can't carry concealed hand guns into a bar. that's, like, maximum illegal.
Interesting how a suppose review of Taqueria Maya Quiche turns to a rant about Wash Ave and the people who in retrospect are contributing to keeping Taqueria Maya Quiche in business. Spot light should have been on the taco truck and their food and not the people surrounding it!!
Hooray, a somewhat interesting commentary on a GunsandTacos post. Usually it's just the same "great post man", "hilarious stuff, dude", and "dude, you're the best" responses over and over. Finally this guy is getting some real feedback to his work. Some actual stimulating counterpoint and thoughtful resistance; not just the same old yes-man bullshit. Congrats to GunsandTacos. I'm glad to see your getting the stimulating response you deserve. (Hey, the guy's a great writer)
So, on to some of the points.
The douchebag "meme" is tired - Agreed. Yes, the city is teeming with douchebags. Yes, if a guy wears Ed Hardy it's a popularly accepted indication that he is one of the aforementioned douchebags. Yes, dudes that go to the bar and request Jose Cuervo are completely clueless. I get it. Let's move on. Surely there are more interesting things to ridicule about today's douchebags. How about all the douchebags that attach themselves to local Houston-centric activities and clubs in an effort to gain some false sense of celebrity? Or foodies? Or Twitter fags. Or what about black framed glasses and tight jeans. These are just as indicative of douchebaggery in my opinion. When are we gonna start bashing these worthy candidates?
It's uncool to make fun of the dude in a tweet - HAHAHA! Don't be such a fuckwad. Who gives a shit? It's a tweet.
"maybe you need to spend some time eating Mexican and Tex-Mex that include lettuce and tomato" - Incorrect.
You know, I could go on but why bother. We all know it will go nowhere. This is really just a masturbatory exercise for all of us anyway. I guess I've satisfied my response itch adequately. I'll sit back and bask in the responses to my response now. The internet is lovely this way. Here is Guns and Tacos who actually writes an article; actually does some work and we are all afforded the opportunity to anonymously critique it as though we had some measure of right; as if we had some unseen authority to judge others' work. And then we watch as others respond to our insights, piggy-backing some shreds of infamy off the OP.
This is either pathetic or awesome depending on your position, but ultimately individual opinion is irrelevant. Net Neutrality at its best. It all adds up to buzz for the OP in the end.
Anyway, it was a good article, G&T. Keep up the good work. Hopefully, more people will give you shit raising the hit ratio to your posts.
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