Here are five reasons why the Beastie Boys are still the funniest Jewish hip-hop group to hit it big in the 1980s:

1.”The Biz vs. The Nuge,” which is pretty much exactly what it claims to be: Biz Markie and Ted Nugent battling it out for thirty-five seconds of aural majesty. The winner: humankind.

2. Cat Power (whom 19-year-old me wants me to let you know is someday going to marry me. Really fucking original indie-rock crush, 19-year-old me) sampled the Paul Revere beat for her song American Flag. I dunno, it just makes me smile that someone samples the guys who made Paul’s Boutique, and it was Cat Power back when she could barely make it through a show, and she samples one of the songs where they’re completely shitty. Ch-check it out:

vs.

Speaking of which --

3. Nobody will admit that License to Ill is a terrible, terrible album – EXCEPT THE BEASTIE BOYS. Everyone still pretends it’s a landmark album just because it had white guys rapping and there were sometimes electric guitars, and the guys who made it have disowned it. Hilarious! The 1980s is an idiot.

4. The Sabotage video still makes me laugh. I have seen it a million times and it still makes me laugh. I still call random friends “Cochise” every now and then. Come, watch this special extended version with me:

5. They’re Buddhists now! Or at least one or two of them if not all three. Like hell I’m gonna do research. Not really a reason why they’re funny, but I wanted to mention that in case someone was planning to get all pointing-out at me.