Welcome to the final installment of Funniest British and/or Jewish Comedy and/or Music Trios Week. A number of candidates have been suggested, but in the end I decided against The Marx Brothers (though they were never all that remarkable and eventually stopped appearing in the movies, Zeppo and Gummo were just as much Marx Brothers as Groucho, Harpo and Chico), The Tiger Lillies (a British cabaret-style band whose songs and performances, though definitely possessed of a weird and dark sense of humor, just creep the bejesus out of me in the end), The Three Stooges (if you weren’t ten in the 1940s or whenever, they’re just plain not funny) and The Beatles (even if he couldn’t write a decent song to save his mother’s honor and had to do everyone else in the band’s laundry, Ringo was technically a full member).

Nope for this entry, I’m going with English post-punk billionaire plutocrats The Police. Why? Because The Police are ridiculous.

- Sting. Come on, think about it: there’s a guy who’s been making everyone call him Sting since the late 1970s. That’s completely absurd. You might be saying “but what about Bono and The Edge?” right now, but I counter with this argument: Bono and the Edge are also dipshits. When we get into Funniest Irish and/or Buddhist Comedy and/or Music Quartets Week, I am going gorilla mask all over U2.

- Besides the name: Sting has sex with his wife for weeks at a time, then tells everyone about it. That’s great that they’re into tantric sex, but you don’t need to brag that you’re unable to ejaculate, dude. Also they live in a castle.

- Rather tasteless joke I heard once and have never had a reason to repeat: Q – How long can Sting make love to his wife for? A – Sting doesn’t make love to his wife, he fucks the shit out of her.

- Stewart Copeland dresses up like an amateur competitive cyclist when he plays drums: spandex shorts, form-fitting shirt, FINGERLESS GODDAMN GLOVES. You can see a bit from this clip, the end credits of the otherwise fantastic (or at least fascinating) concert film URGH! A Music War, which features incredible performances from Devo, Pere Ubu, XTC, Joan Jett, Gang of Four, Klaus Nomi, X, The Au Pairs and tons of other bands. It also features Gary Numan driving around a stage in a little bumper car for no good reason, and three unfortunate performances by the Police, who are almost certainly more responsible for making me not like reggae than any actual reggae artist. I digress – check out Stewie’s getup and turn it off after XTC’s Andy Partridge tosses a pineapple on Sting. That way you won’t have to hear too much of this song:

- Speaking of Stewart Copeland: he was in a band with Primus bassist Les Claypool and Phish guitarist Trey Anastasio. Ridiculous! They were called Oysterhead, which is remarkable for being so mediocre a name it’s barely worth mentioning how mediocre it is. Wikipedia describes the band as “a collaborative eclectic mix of the bass-oriented funk metal music of Claypool, Anastasio's jam band music and the Lebanese-influenced beats of Copeland with a focus of not ‘anything preconceived.’” I am not a religious man, but if I ever have a spiritual epiphany you had better believe I will be dedicating every waking hour of life to good works, because if I am sent to Hell on Judgment Day I will have to listen to Oysterhead for eternity.

- Did you know there was a guitar player in The Police? I have a vague awareness, but I don’t know shit about him. The only other band I can think of where the least remarkable person is the guitarist is Rush, who were also ridiculous.

- Finally: while combing YouTube for that URGH! A Music War clip, I came across the video for that “de do do do, de da da da” song. I discovered that the ACTUAL HONEST-TO-GOD TITLE OF THE FUCKING SONG IS “DE DO DO DO, DE DA DA DA.” Creative and artistic bankruptcy on that level usually just makes me angry or sad, but when you factor in everything else, what can you do but shake your head, smile, and go “oh, The Police. You’re ridiculous.”