Before last night I'd never watched a whole episode of American Idol before. Now it's today and that's no longer the case. I don't feel much different. You could consider me knowledgeable of the show and its conventions the way someone who never votes or watches the news but knows the vice president's name might be called "politically savvy." Here's a blow-by-blow account of American Idol experience. I edited out all the beer I spilled on my notepad, even when it made my writing better.

7:04 p.m. - All the movies I saw in the '80s about game shows of the future (the future always being around 2010) involved murder. Stuff like The Running Man. The opening sequence shows throngs of people screaming for blood, intercut with shots of wild-eyed lunatics and hysterically crying human refuse. People coming from all over the country to compete for their chance at the American dream. No mention of what happens to the losers. Are they slaughtered? How many people usually die during the first episode?

7:10 - First contestant is a delusional-but-amiable ginger with a muffin top. Gratuitous plugs for the American Idol video game. Glad they got that out of the way.

7:13 - So the whole fun of the show as far as I've ever been able to tell is watching the British guy be mean to people who can't sing a note. But they eliminate all of those after, what, show three? Why keep watching after that? I'm missing something.

7:16 - I thought there were laws against Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" after The Watchmen came out. Having adorable special needs brothers doesn't give you a pass, Blondie. And crud, all these lens flare/light flash effects when they go to commercial are already starting to give me a headache. I need another beer.

7:20 - Hearing Simon Cowell tell Overly Confident Gay Teen "I didn't have any friends in school" sent chills down my spine. As far as I know (not very far), that's the most vicious thing he's ever told anybody on the show. It may take a few years to sink in, but that kid's going to have some soul-searching to do down the line.

7:23 - When was Posh Spice ruined in a forest fire?

7:29 - Guido time! Orangey lunkheaded with an accent and a big family and a bunch of food who calls the judges "youse guys." Way to stay on the cutting edge/pander, American Idol!

7:31 - WAIT THAT LADY ISN'T PAULA ABDUL WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE SHE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE SHE'S ON PILLS

7:34 - Yes!! They're playing Enigma behind the acne'd-up Kurt Cobain dude. God I hope he auditions with "Return to Innocence."

7:38 - CRYING MONTAGE! SUPPORTIVE PARENTS DEAL WITH THEIR OFFSPRING'S CRUSHING DEFEAT! Seriously: why on earth watch this show without this part? They must have tons of this footage, maybe they dole more out over the course of the season so it's not all boring Rod Stewart tribute nights or whatever?

7:45 - Perky anime fangirl? Holy shit. Sing that Janis! Implode in front of our eyes! Viking funeral! What the hell are you doing singing a Janis Joplin song? Not even Janis Joplin can do justice to that song. Oh man, now she's crying. This show is great.

7:49 - Surly Indie Rock guy? Yeah, this is going to go well.

7:51 - Not Paula: "You've got very bad energy." Surly Indie Rock Guy: "Aw, man..."

7:56 - Okay. Posh Spice has said maybe four words this whole episode. Those words being "I like your look," over and over again. Is she getting paid? Probably. Probably millions of dollars.

8:03 - I am no closer to figuring this show out than I was earlier, but I am a little bit drunker.

8:10 - This episode takes place in Boston, so they felt like they had to make a cute little cartoon about the Pilgrims and the American Revolution. Unnecessary. MORE TEARS. AMERICA DEMANDS FAILURE AND TEARS.

8:12 - Why is this bitch singing a Mariah song? THIS Mariah song? Why are all these mediocre singers picking these vocal workouts? If I was auditioning I would run as far away from "Vision of Love" as possible and settle on something with three notes and a lot of handclaps.

8:24 - Sixteen-year-old girl singing Etta James to her elderly Portuguese grandmother at the breakfast table? Did somebody say "rock and roll?"

8:29 - Saddest thing all night was by far the meek 28-year-old businessman in the green shirt getting browbeaten by the judges for being a forgettable, personality-bereft milquetoast. I could've sworn I heard Randy Jackson tell him to "grow some sac." And holy shit, they're giving him a pass to the next round. Is it common practice to pity-vote? I thought that was just for when the home audience starts to weigh in.

8:37 - Shit! Handsome cancer survivor? Unfair! I mean, he's singing Nina Simone and doing a pretty good job at it, but still.

8:40 - Anyone else find those Megan Mullally "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" commercials sort of sexy? Nope? Okay, moving on.

8:46 - I thought Simon Cowell's whole thing was crushing people's spirits as cruelly as possible. Why is he holding back so much? They served that atonal weirdbeard Jackson Family tranny mess up to him on a silver platter and he bit his tongue as hard as he could. Maybe since he's quitting they're making him look less interesting in editing? Weird.

8:52 - Wait what the fuck when did they remake the movie Fame? It's already on DVD. I really think I'm the wrong person to review American Idol.

9:02 - Okay, it's over. American Idol, the most popular show of the past decade, the 21st century pop zeitgeist, the key to unlocking the secrets behind what makes America's cultural heart beat its cultural heartbeats, remains an inscrutable and dull mystery to me. If I had to pick a winner at this point, I'd go with either a black dude or a chubby girl.

Later, America. I'm going to go Google Bo Bice and find out what that is.