• HERE'S THE THING. I FIND RACHEL RAY AND HER IRRITATING CHIPMUNK-ON-A-PACK-A-DAY-MARLBORO-HABIT VOICE IRRITATING, BUT I NEVER WISH FOLKS ILL: So, you know, get well soon, Rachel Ray. I guess.
• REMEMBER WHEN THERE WAS ALL THAT HOO-HA REGARDING DOLLHOUSE AND THE UNAIRED 13TH EPISODE AND WHETHER IT OR NOT IT WOULD EVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY IF FOX CANCELED THE SERIES AND ALL THAT? No? You don't remember this? Aren't you Whitney? No? Well, then, who else reads this blog?
• SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING OLYMPIC CHANNEL SOMETHING CONTROVERSY!: Wake me up when there are pictures of the mens' beach volleyball team involved.
• HEY! SOMETHING THAT MY HOME HAS IN COMMON WITH THE WHITE HOUSE! Sponge Bob Square Pants is always on somewhere here, too! It's just like I'm the President.
• HE'S GETTING A MILLION DOLLARS FOR EVERY INCH OF HEIGHT: Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your waitresses.
• THEIR EXPLOITS AREN'T JUST EXPLOSIVE, THEY'RE EXPLOITATIVE!
  

WATCH THIS

• The Great American Road Trip: In Soviet Russia, Yakov Smirnoff performs on you. (Or rather, in Branson, MO. And Yakov probably doesn't perform on you, but with you. Sigh. Look. You and I both know I had to make the joke, but it didn't work out, OK? Don't look at me that way. I doubt you could have done much better.) 7 p.m., NBC
• Bachelorette: Fantasy suite dates! 7 p.m., ABC
• Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations: The 5th season premiere finds Anthony and all his personality eating their way across Chile. 9 p.m., TRAVEL
• Here Comes the Newlyweds: Some couple wins The Big Prize! Try to contain your excitement. 9 p.m., ABC
• Run's House: Rev finds out that Run DMC are to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on the season 6 finale. Yay, Run DMC! 9:30 p.m., MTV