Self-described "America's Funnyman" Neil Hamburger brings his painfully painful brand of Borscht Belt anticomedy to Mango's tonight. I've seen Hamburger live a number of times; I don't know that you'd describe him as an acquired taste so much as either "you like it or you want nothing to do with it." The best performance I ever saw him give was opening up for second generation host of Comedy Central's The Man Show, Doug Stanhope. I found Stanhope to be thoroughly unremarkable, but what made the show special was his audience: about a third of the crowd was there to see Hamburger, which meant two thirds of the crowd was definitely NOT there to see Hamburger, which meant a lot of very unhappy stand-up comedy fans had to sit through a greasy haired guy in a tuxedo hack and wheeze his way through punchlines like these:

(WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ TERRIBLE WORDS)

- Why did Madonna feed her baby Alpo dog food? Well, that's just what came out of her breasts.

- Why did Metallica cut off their long hair? Their barber told them it was the only way they could get out all the matted cum.

- Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina? She was horny.

- Why did Blink 182 cross the road? There were three mirrors on the other side they wanted to jerk off in front of.

- Why did God create herpes? So Robin Williams would have something he could give his female fans they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

- What do you call the creatures who are growing in the pile of potato chip wrappers and discarded g-strings behind Britney Spears' house? Her children.

- Why did God create Domino's pizza? To punish mankind for his complacency in allowing the Holocaust to happen.

I know! I know! It's terrible! And I honestly left out a lot of the really awful shit. Google "What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas" and have a field day if you like. Still, some of my favorite Neil Hamburger jokes aren't even what you'd call dirty. To wit:

- Why did the Taliban burn ten thousand copies of Pink Floyd's <i>Dark Side of the Moon</i> in a public square? Because it's terrible.

- Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? Because he was tired of Haulin' Oats.

- Why does Col. Sanders keep the 11 herbs and spices of Kentucky Fried Chicken's original recipe a secret? Because he's ashamed of them.

Trust me when I say... You're going to have to trust me on this. Come out to Mango's tonight and see the man in person. He's a lot funnier than a bunch of text.