REJOICE! TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE FALL TELEVISION SEASON!* New episodes of old favorites return! New shows to fall in love with (or mock until they are canceled) arrive! Our dependence on the cheetos of television programming -- VH1 reality shows -- can finally come to an end. (For now.)

Yes, the Fall Television Guide  has, indeed, been previously published in its entirety in Tubular. But to make it a little more digestible, I thought we could break it down day by day, and discuss exactly what our DVRs will be recording this fall. First up! TUESDAY!

Kelsey McNeal/FOX Dance for your lives, children.

* That is, if you mark the beginning of the fall television season when the major networks -- and by "major," we're including The CW -- begin airing new episodes of shows that were previously broadcast between the months of September and May. Which, you know, is a really loose definition, but you're going to have to work with me here.

So, Tuesday. Beginning at 7, my DVR will be recording 90210 (quit yer snickering), and V, and though it's not listed here, I suspect come October, the audition portion of So You Think You Can Dance will be over, and the show will fill the entire two hour FOX lineup beginning at 7 (but that's just speculation at this point). I will then be watching the new Melrose Place at 8 p.m., because I love good trash as much as the next person. However, I have no idea what we'll be watching at 9 p.m., but whatever it is, it will most certainly NOT be The Jay Leno Show, because UGH.

What will you be watching?

New shows are in italics, premiere dates are in parenthesis, and links to more information are provided.

V
V! It stands for "visitor" or "victory" or "VENOMOUS FREAKING SPACE LIZARDS THAT WANT TO EAT OUR HEADS! ZOMG, DON'T TRUST THEM, JULIET! YOU'RE TOO SMART TO HAVE YOUR HEAD EATEN! YOU, TOO, BAILEY FROM PARTY OF FIVE!"

The Forgotten
O LOOK! Someone has decided to give Christian Slater another series for some reason! I was going to make a joke about this being Cold Case all over again, but with this too being a Jerry Bruckheimer production, the joke is already made for me! WELL DONE. And is this the single cheesiest this I've ever seen? WHY, YES! IT IS! HOW DID YOU KNOW?

NCIS Los Angeles

1. It's Chris O'Donnell, not Chris Odell, a.k.a. Mr. T. Common mistake.
2. I'll watch LL Cool J do anything. Did you know that I've kissed him once. Yeah, I did. JEALOUS?

The Good Wife
Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth reenact what has become commonplace in recent years: disgraced politician admits to sexytime scandal and legal shenanigans while wife stands stoically nearby. This drama is all about what happens next in her life. Trashy tell-all book? Teary appearances on Oprah? Ugly back-and-forths on the cover of the Enquirer? Humiliating oneself on Get Me Out of Here, I'm a Celebrity! Well, no. More like: return to work, become independent. SNORE.

90210
Stay classy, 90210.

Melrose Place
I'm not ashamed to admit that I am REALLY LOOKING FORWARD to this reboot. I should be ashamed. But I am not.

So You Think You Can Dance
Back in the Bronze Age, a season of So You Think You Can Dance would end in the middle of the summer, and we would have to wait 8 horrible months for Mary Murphy and Mia Michaels' triumphant return. NO LONGER! The new season is HERE! 7 MONTHS EARLY! And that is buck.

The Biggest Loser
The cryingest Loser ever? When you're bursting into tears 20 seconds into the fall promo, I think it's safe to say that this will be the cryingest Loser ever.

The Jay Leno Show
The simple fact of the matter is I am not the intended audience for The Jay Leno Show. Jay Leno and NBC could give exactly one hoot if Therese Odell watches a single episode. And I know that. But that's not going to keep me from braying all over the place that Jay Leno is a mediocre hack, and that this is the worst thing that has happened to prime time television in the history of prime time television. And yes, I include Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire in that particular history.

Other notable shows on Tuesdays this fall:
• 30 For 30: 7 p.m., ESPN, (Oct. 6)
• Nature, Inc.: 7 p.m., Planet Green, (Oct. 13)
• Weird, True & Freaky: 8 p.m., Animal Planet, (Sept. 29)
• The Green: E2 Design: 8 p.m., Sundance, (Nov. 3)
• Scare Tactics: 8 p.m., Syfy, (Oct. 6)
• Sons of Anarchy: 9 p.m., FX, (Sept. 8)
• Deliver Me: 9 p.m., Health, (Sept. 22)
• Sherri: 9 p.m., Lifetime, (preview Oct. 5-9)
• The Hills: 9 p.m., MTV, (Sept. 29)
• The Naughty Kitchen with Blythe Beck: 9 p.m., Oxygen, (Sept. 22)
• Surviving Disaster: 9 p.m., Spike, (Sept. 1)
• The Little Couple: 9 p.m., TLC, (Oct. 6)
• Rehab, Party at the Hard Rock Hotel: 9 p.m., Tru TV, (Sept. 1)
• Lost Tapes: 9 p.m., Animal Planet, (Sept. 29)
• Monica: 9 p.m., BET, (Oct. 27)
• Planet Mechanics: 9 p.m., Planet Green, (Sept. 8)
• Rita Rocks: 9:30 p.m., Lifetime, (preview Oct. 5-9)
• The City: 9:30 p.m., MTV, (Sept. 29)
• Coolfuel: 9:30 p.m., Planet Green, (Sept. 8)
• Inside DTP: 9:30 p.m., BET, (Oct. 27)