I recently sat down to watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond with the sound off and try to figure out what was going on. A blow-by-blow of my viewing experience is presented below. Unsurprisingly, it was not at all hard to figure out what was going on. Now: why did I do such a thing? Why would you want to read such a thing? I have no idea, but I’m going to go with “science.”

Episode # whatever: “Fucking Raymond Loses His Fucking Wedding Ring”

It starts off with Ray and his hulking autistic brother in a hotel together for some reason. They start playing a game where they see who can spin Ray’s wedding ring on the table the longest. Because it’s either this or a comically uncomfortable bedsharing plot, and they’ve probably already done a show where the brothers had to share a bed, Ray’s brother loses Ray’s ring down an air vent while he’s in the bathroom. Ray comes in and they do like three slow doubletakes, because of comedy.

Commercial. Subway and some DVD where brides fight each other (a movie, not real life).

The brothers are at an airport. Ray still doesn’t have his wedding ring. Ray sits down next to a pretty lady, whom he thinks wants to fuck him because he doesn’t have his wedding ring, and because he is a TV show male, and because the show is so clever. After Ray gets home, he does everything with one hand in front of his wife so she won’t see his missing ring. She starts to become suspicious, to which he initially says something like “Ohh ahhh yyynnooh ah yyyeah ah ah eeeeeahh” but then reveals the truth. Wife is pissedapointed in Ray.

Just then Ray’s Dad, Peter Boyle from Young Frankenstein, walks in to get some Odwalla and call his son a pussy and is funnier than everyone. When he finds out what happened he says something probably funnier than the show deserves and gets ushered offstage so Ray’s wife can be shrill and stereotypical and unfunny and also give Ray an opportunity to say something probably horrible that makes her go upstairs. Ray offers some more weak nasal “nyaahhh ahhh ooohh yyneah” after her, then looks out the window to see her throwing his clothes onto the lawn.

Commercial. Tires and those nightmarish Cheetos ads where people in Life Aquatic suits have their mouths stretched out like mutants.

Peter Boyle walks inside with a pair of Ray’s underwear and mocks his son. Presumably he picked it up off the lawn but who knows. Ray’s mom is somehow on the couch now, she says something probably funny too. Saw her on the Emmys once accepting an award and she was drunk as shit, it was great. Wife comes back downstairs, grabs her purse, takes off her wedding ring and gives it to Ray before leaving to go to a TV wife place. Audience goes “OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH…” probably. Peter Boyle realizes he can’t take off his wedding ring, which makes him very agitated.

I was right! Ray’s wife (I can’t remember her name. Mrs. Romano?) went to the grocery store. She is mad that nobody will hit on her here. Ray has followed her and is watching her. Oh shit it’s Jeff Garlin from Curb Your Enthusiasm and Arrested Development and other better shows! He is a grocery store clerk. Ray’s wife is getting all slutty on him but it’s not working. She’s pissed, then notices Ray has been hiding behind some Ragu Old World Style sauce the whole time (I can’t decide if this is a weird Italian-American sight gag or not). They say some things kind of angrily until a sort of pretty blonde lady comes over and says something to Ray that I think was “where is such and such food item” and he goes “I AM MARRIED TO A WIFE” and all is resolved as Ray and Ray’s wife go pay for their Ragu.

Commercial. Pizza Hut and cereal with fiber.

Ray gets a Fed Ex letter with his wedding ring in it. He thinks hard for a moment before saying “ah, hoahh, nyeah… Yyah.”